On my depression

First off, I want to thank you all for your support! I was only expecting one or two likes on Facebook and to keep posting quietly, mostly for myself, but it seems like there may be some interest in this!
I know the recent death of Robin Williams(Rest in Peace) has a lot of us thinking about depression and suicide. I’ve been feeling depressed myself this week, so it seems like a good time to talk about it.

The thing I struggle with most when I get depressed is the lack of motivation. I already struggle with making decisions and getting out and doing things, and this makes it worse. I don’t do anything.  I don’t have the energy and I find everything to be pointless. Take a shower? Why bother. I’m not going to be around other people. Go out? I won’t have fun, I’ll get sick, I don’t have any money anyway. Do some art? I already know I’ll be disappointed in my abilities and get frustrated.
There is also a lot of guilt because of my situation( not working or in school). I certainly can’t do anything fun, because I don’t deserve to. I end up watching bad TV or endlessly scrolling through Pinterest to pass the time. Low energy, numbing things. It doesn’t make sense.

If you do things you enjoy, get some exercise, and talk to friends you feel a lot better. The problem is that you just can’t. Depression sucks you in and makes you think you need to stay in it. It’s sort of safe in a way. You don’t have to deal with things emotionally, you just feel numb or sad about everything. Chances are you’ll have some physical symptoms as well, like aches and pains or trouble sleeping. Add that to the list of reasons you just want to stay curled up in your bed.

At the moment I have this ‘headache’. It’s barely there, just a slight annoying nagging thing. I can’t focus. I stare. I don’t want to do anything except sleep. I don’t want to ‘cheer myself up’. I just want to sit with this until it goes away naturally. It usually gets better for me in a few day or a week, and I think it’s beginning to lift now. Even with medication I know I’ll probably always deal with this now and again.

~ Laura

PS: You should be able to post comments using your facebook or other social media account now!

Merry-Go-Round: March 14, 2011

Photo by saeba

Happy Pi day! Hope you are all having a good Monday. If not, maybe I have something to cheer you up?

• Sour Skitles: The red ones are amazing, and the extra sugar on the outside just makes it better. This is sort of strange and morbid, but I never really liked this candy until our cat, also named Skittles, died recently. RIP kitty...


• Having someone to talk to: In this case, the boyfriend. A couple nights ago I was feeling down. Normally I'm too shy and self-conscious to talk about my problems but he's really good at getting me to talk, and then being very understanding and rational in his response. He helps me see things as they really are and gives me advice about what to do. I'm so glad I have someone that I can finally open up to...even if it still takes some prodding. Couldn't ask for anyone better.<3



• America's Next Top Model: One of my favorites shows. It's mostly the photo shoots I like to see because they're pretty creative. This season I think Hannah is my favorite - she's adorable. Mikaela has some crazy bone structure too.


• Documentaries A friend got me interested in watching some of these on netflix and my sister got me into them again. I'd recommend Urban Explorers and Tapped if you are interested in checking some out.



• Painted Trees Curtis Killorn paints dead trees in Colorado and they are amazing. The bright colours help to bring out the beautiful shapes of the branches.

And finally, a little video. Relax and watch a whirlwind pick up sheets of plastic and twirl them in the air.





Best wishes and a speedy recovery to Japan in this difficult time.


Keep searching,
Laura~She

Wardrobe Make-over

Photo by emma.kate

One of my 'resolutions' for the year is to develop a style and dress better. All too often I see a picture of myself and am disappointed with what I see. Those jeans I though fit? Yeah, not so much. I like clothes, shopping, and style so the fact that I'm defaulting to ultra boring t-shirts and jeans is terrible! Sure, it's cold and rainy in Vancouver now, but that's no excuse to be covered up in a not-so-cute waterproof coat most of the day!

When someone walks by with a nice outfit and confidence I take notice; it's like saying 'Hello world, I'm here! I have it all together!' It's definitely a better message than ' I just threw something together, I don't care'. Who would you rather be friends with, date, give a job to? No it's not the most important thing to look good - what you are like on the inside always wins out in the end - but first impressions count for something too. Beside, you can be gorgeous in and out anyway!

I have begun building a new wardrobe. T-shirts and jeans will still be there, only better fitting and more eye-catching. I'm going to go through Gala's Wardrobe Taming over the next week to help define a style and figure out exactly what I want to say to the world as well.

This of course means more shopping... no complaints there! ;) My first trip was last weekend and I managed to get some things I'd normally shy away from, including a printed dress and skinny jeans. There are lots of good local stores I didn't know about that deserve more attention so I'll mention those in my blog as they are found as well as my outfits. The first one will be in the next day or two.


Keep searching,
Laura~She

Just for Today

Photo by ariane_hunter

Today I'd like to share a bit of advice from Sybil F. Partridge that I found in "How to Stop Worrying and Start Living" by Dale Carnegie. It's used in many programs, especially ones for coping with addiction, but in general these are good words to live by.

Just for Today

1. Just for today I will be happy. This assumes that what Abraham Lincoln said is true, that" most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be."

2. Just for today, I will adjust myself to what is, and not try to adjust everything to my own desires. I will take my "luck" as it comes, and fit myself to it.

3. Just for today I will take care of my body. I will exercise it, care for it, nourish it, not abuse it nor neglect it, so that it will be a perfect machine for my bidding.

4. Just for today, I will try to strengthen my mind. I will study. I will learn something useful. I will not be a mental loafer. I will read something that requires effort, thought and concentration.

5. Just for today, I will exercise my soul in three ways: I will do somebody a good turn, and not get found out. I will do at least two things I don't want to--just for exercise.

6. Just for today I will be agreeable. I will look as well as I can, dress as becomingly as possible, talk low, act courteously, be liberal with praise, criticize not at all, nor find fault with anything and not try to regulate nor improve anyone.

7. Just for today I will try to live through this day only, and not to tackle my whole life problem at once. I can do things for twelve hours that would appall me if I had to keep them up for a lifetime.

8. Just for today, I will have a program. I may not follow it exactly, but I will have it. I will save myself from two pests: hurry and indecision.

9. Just for today, I will have a quiet half hour all by myself, and relax. During this half hour, sometime, I will try to get a better perspective of my life.

10. I will be unafraid, especially I will not be afraid to be happy and to enjoy what is beautiful. I believe that as I give to the world, so the world will give to me and that those I love, love me.

Have a great day :)

Keep searching,
Laura~She

The Price of Being Ill

$50. At least, that's what it cost me today.

 Photo by Kelli Broshahan

This was supposed to be a post about another new experience. My boyfriend and I have been wanting to go rock climbing for a while and finally got around to booking it. As we left the evil stomach monster (pictured here)  returned and I was forced to go back home.

There was a bunch of confusion  with the rock climbing place- I was told I'd have to pay the full price anyway, but  after leaving a message for the manager  they only charged me 1/3 of the cost as it was supposed to be. I'm not a big fan of this system where you are forced to pay for canceling late. I get sick or hurt and have to pay for it? (Of course, I know why they do it.)

The price for having an unpredictable illness is high. Money, time, and stress are lost. It hurts more than just physically. Eventually the feeling of not having control sets in...you begin to asses things in a much more cautious manner, staying home and only going to familiar locations where you think you can handle your monsters. It can make you look lazy, cowardly, and like a bad friend; but nobody really wants to be stuck at home when they have awesome plans. My particular illness is not that bad, but some days, like today, don't go as planned because of it. Those with life-threatening, debilating sickness are brave souls! I can't imagine spending every day in a hospital and losing everything but still having hope and making it through. That is some kind of strength!

I haven't been diagnosed with anything yet and am still having tests done. Honestly, I do not have high hopes that anything will be found. Funny, that sounds like it should be a good thing. If nothing is found, nothing will be done and nothing will get better. I think this is probably a stress thing - a nervous stomach. If that's the case, how do you fix it? Relax, stop worrying? Worry is my middle name! I've taken 'How to stop worrying and start living' off the bookshelf again for starters. Dale Carnegie packs his books with lots of different common sense methods for dealing with life issues, humor, and interviews with fascinating people so it's a good read at least.

It's time to take a look around the internet for advice as well. I'll post my findings in the future.
For now the one thing I need to keep working on is staying positive!


Keep searching,
Laura~She

(Post written October 24)
(Oh, and just so we're clear, that is NOT a picture of me!)

I'm on a (House) Boat

Encounter Point on Shuswap Lake

Our adventure began at 3:30am and I was surprisingly full of energy! It looked like it was going to be a good trip. That is, until we started driving. My stomach decided it would be funny to act up just as we were leaving the last real city for a while. I couldn't stay in the car without feeling completely ill. After an hour or two of waiting for the feeling to pass, we were able to get back on the road! 5 hours is a long time to spend in a car, but we managed to get there! I still feel really bad for making everyone wait for me. :C

Because we had booked a boat for the last week of the season and it wasn't busy, we got an upgrade! Our boat was named 'Dock Dude' while other boats were called 'knot-a-yacht' and 'mutal funz'. Yep, some horrible puns there! As it was an upgrade we got private rooms - one at a normal level, one with the bed about 4 feet off the ground (ours), and another that was down a couple stairs and looked very comfy. There was a slide at the back of the boat but unfortunately it was too cold for swimming. After the drivers learned how to pilot we set sail in the Shuswap lake!

Throughout the waters and on the beaches we found dead fish everywhere. At first it was disturbing... until someone mentioned it was spawning season (Salmon die after spawning). Okay, it was still disturbing but natural at least! Surprisingly I only saw one fish that had been eaten, and one bear in the distance.

We brought a lot of meat and booze with us, but I wasn't able to partake in most of it because of my stomach. Curses!  But I mean a lot of meat. We have a couple day worth of left overs - giant steaks, sausage, ribs and more ribs!! I know at least one of us planned to go vegetarian for the rest of the week. I did manage to eat some of the best salmon ever(store bought, nobody caught anything we could keep), barbecued corn, smores, and those big double chocolate Costco muffins. Mmm-mm! Everything was delicious.

Originally there were plans to make this more of a pirate themed event, but it didn't really come together aside from Shann's outfits and not showering. 

We all had a good laugh wearing  fake  versions of our boyfriends moustache's. and breaking a Pinata. I manage to get one hit on it before the boys finished it off and Taja ran to the water to save some candy that had gone overboard. We listened to music, played cards, Family Guy Clue, Cranium, and Therapy as it was too cold and wet to be outside for a good bit of the trip. It was a lot of fun anyway.

Will I do it again?:

Yes! I wish I could have enjoyed more of it, if I hadn't been sick it would have been amazing. It's really neat being out on the water with nothing but trees around. A nice change from life. Three days isn't long enough so next time we will try to go for a week earlier in the season for better weather. I recommending giving house boating a shot!

For more photos go to my flickr photostream or Shann's blog

Keep Searching, 

Laura~she

Taking a Whirl at Belly Dancing

Last night was one of many new experiences happening this month. Belly dancing! A friend had a guest pass and it was a good chance to go out of the house and get some exercise.

Photo by Hkuchera

It was actually my arms that are most sore today. In order to focus on doing some of the shoulder movements correctly we had to hold our arms out to the side as if pushing on a wall. This was really difficult! I couldn't get it at all until she said to put your breasts into it. That I can do!

The teacher was very good and gave us a good overview of the basic moves. What looks like a simple swivel of hips is actually a series of specific movements of the abdomen and all the extra little arm movements on top of that seems like it would take a lot of concentration to a beginner like me. I had trouble remembering the steps, even though it's only 4 steps for most movements! I just couldn't get the flow - it should be 'Ooey Gooey' as she put it. It's harder than it looks.

Will I do it again? I'd like try more things with these friends, I had a good time with them. Belly dancing though, is not for me. I felt pretty uncoordinated and it simply isn't my style. Another type of dance might suit me better but I know any kind would require a lot of practice for me to not trip over my feet.

Keep Searching,
Laura~She