Aug 14, 2014

On my depression

First off, I want to thank you all for your support! I was only expecting one or two likes on Facebook and to keep posting quietly, mostly for myself, but it seems like there may be some interest in this!
I know the recent death of Robin Williams(Rest in Peace) has a lot of us thinking about depression and suicide. I’ve been feeling depressed myself this week, so it seems like a good time to talk about it.

The thing I struggle with most when I get depressed is the lack of motivation. I already struggle with making decisions and getting out and doing things, and this makes it worse. I don’t do anything.  I don’t have the energy and I find everything to be pointless. Take a shower? Why bother. I’m not going to be around other people. Go out? I won’t have fun, I’ll get sick, I don’t have any money anyway. Do some art? I already know I’ll be disappointed in my abilities and get frustrated.
There is also a lot of guilt because of my situation( not working or in school). I certainly can’t do anything fun, because I don’t deserve to. I end up watching bad TV or endlessly scrolling through Pinterest to pass the time. Low energy, numbing things. It doesn’t make sense.

If you do things you enjoy, get some exercise, and talk to friends you feel a lot better. The problem is that you just can’t. Depression sucks you in and makes you think you need to stay in it. It’s sort of safe in a way. You don’t have to deal with things emotionally, you just feel numb or sad about everything. Chances are you’ll have some physical symptoms as well, like aches and pains or trouble sleeping. Add that to the list of reasons you just want to stay curled up in your bed.

At the moment I have this ‘headache’. It’s barely there, just a slight annoying nagging thing. I can’t focus. I stare. I don’t want to do anything except sleep. I don’t want to ‘cheer myself up’. I just want to sit with this until it goes away naturally. It usually gets better for me in a few day or a week, and I think it’s beginning to lift now. Even with medication I know I’ll probably always deal with this now and again.

~ Laura

PS: You should be able to post comments using your facebook or other social media account now!

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