Want to Want

I want to want to write this post.

I want to want to go out.

I want to want to work hard.

But I don’t want to.

It’s been difficult for me to find motivation. Maybe because I’ve never had any real goals, and never really needed to work at anything to hard. As a kid the main thing I liked was art, and drawing for fun was enough to make me the best in the class until I was a teenager. I never learned to practice, to work toward something. Mom was even there to do my work if I didn’t understand it or feel like doing it.

Of course it could be depression on it’s own that causes the lack of ambition.

It leads to more panic. What if I never try? What if I can’t hold a job, or take care of myself? Am I destined to live a life depending on other people because I cannot do?

You know what I did today? I looked at office furniture. I have no money for it, and I don’t even need anything. I can want -things- when I’m depressed, but after a day of window shopping I rarely buy anything. Too much guilt. I guess that’s good though. No debt is one thing I have going for me (Thanks to having a family that is understanding and doesn’t  make me pay rent).

I wish I could give advice on what to do if you’re feeling stuck and without drive, but I haven’t found the solution yet. Keeping a planner/ to do list helps if you have only a few things on it, maybe some really basic stuff. It’s good to have reminders that you have some things to do, and proof that you didn’t just sit in front of the tv all day when you have things crossed off.

Do you struggle to get going and keep motivated? Share your stories and advice in the comments!

On Priorities and Being Busy

I’m reading a book called ‘Girls in White Dresses’ by  Jennifer Close. It’s about several young women going through life and their failed relationships. There are definitely a few parts that I can relate to.

Hope

One chapter is about a girl and her boyfriend that are  both democrats. The guy starts getting really into politics and begins volunteering for the campaign for the democratic candidate in the upcoming election. It’s so important to him that he quits his job to focus on it. His girlfriend is supportive, and after he goes all over the country, and gets too busy to even call she decides to join him for a while. When she gets back at home and he visits she questions his priorities; he gets defensive. He continues to spend his time talking to his campaign friends, while ignoring her. He’s in town for a few days and they go on a double date with one of those campaign friends. She is once again left to listen to him chat up his friends while giving little attention to his date.  Eventually he gets a new job and moves to DC, while his girlfriend is still in New York. They try to make it work, but eventually break up. She knew she was his second choice, behind his political work.

It’s all about priorities. His top priority was his political work, while hers was the relationship. It’s okay to be together and have different priorities for a time, but it isn’t fair to stay together if you have no intention of changing things. There is a limit to how long you can feel ‘second’ before it really starts to hurt, and that hurt can come out in ways that damage the relationship even more. I know when I felt this way I got jealous, accusatory, and needy. None of that helped. I was trying to prove that I was right and he didn’t care about me, because I’ve always felt that I was not enough.

That said, if you find yourself constantly saying how busy you are and spending a lot of time in on area of your life, realize that you are probably neglecting other areas. You have to be honest with yourself about your priorities.  If you can’t make time for something, is it really that important to you? Are you avoiding another area for a reason? When another person is involved you may need to admit that you aren’t really available to meet there needs. Personally I don’t think anyone is so important that they can’t spend 5 minutes on a call, a thoughtful note, or an evening off for dinner.

If you happen to be in a relationship(or friendship) with a perpetually busy person you really have two choices if you don’t want to be miserable: either get out and move on, or find more ways to occupy your time and be happy with times you do get to spend together. You deserve better than waiting around for the things that you need and want.

If you want more about the busy excuse,  read Being Super-Busy: The Modern Lame Excuse For Managing Down Your Expectations over at Baggage Reclaim

~Laura

On my depression

First off, I want to thank you all for your support! I was only expecting one or two likes on Facebook and to keep posting quietly, mostly for myself, but it seems like there may be some interest in this!
I know the recent death of Robin Williams(Rest in Peace) has a lot of us thinking about depression and suicide. I’ve been feeling depressed myself this week, so it seems like a good time to talk about it.

The thing I struggle with most when I get depressed is the lack of motivation. I already struggle with making decisions and getting out and doing things, and this makes it worse. I don’t do anything.  I don’t have the energy and I find everything to be pointless. Take a shower? Why bother. I’m not going to be around other people. Go out? I won’t have fun, I’ll get sick, I don’t have any money anyway. Do some art? I already know I’ll be disappointed in my abilities and get frustrated.
There is also a lot of guilt because of my situation( not working or in school). I certainly can’t do anything fun, because I don’t deserve to. I end up watching bad TV or endlessly scrolling through Pinterest to pass the time. Low energy, numbing things. It doesn’t make sense.

If you do things you enjoy, get some exercise, and talk to friends you feel a lot better. The problem is that you just can’t. Depression sucks you in and makes you think you need to stay in it. It’s sort of safe in a way. You don’t have to deal with things emotionally, you just feel numb or sad about everything. Chances are you’ll have some physical symptoms as well, like aches and pains or trouble sleeping. Add that to the list of reasons you just want to stay curled up in your bed.

At the moment I have this ‘headache’. It’s barely there, just a slight annoying nagging thing. I can’t focus. I stare. I don’t want to do anything except sleep. I don’t want to ‘cheer myself up’. I just want to sit with this until it goes away naturally. It usually gets better for me in a few day or a week, and I think it’s beginning to lift now. Even with medication I know I’ll probably always deal with this now and again.

~ Laura

PS: You should be able to post comments using your facebook or other social media account now!

Just for Today

Photo by ariane_hunter

Today I'd like to share a bit of advice from Sybil F. Partridge that I found in "How to Stop Worrying and Start Living" by Dale Carnegie. It's used in many programs, especially ones for coping with addiction, but in general these are good words to live by.

Just for Today

1. Just for today I will be happy. This assumes that what Abraham Lincoln said is true, that" most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be."

2. Just for today, I will adjust myself to what is, and not try to adjust everything to my own desires. I will take my "luck" as it comes, and fit myself to it.

3. Just for today I will take care of my body. I will exercise it, care for it, nourish it, not abuse it nor neglect it, so that it will be a perfect machine for my bidding.

4. Just for today, I will try to strengthen my mind. I will study. I will learn something useful. I will not be a mental loafer. I will read something that requires effort, thought and concentration.

5. Just for today, I will exercise my soul in three ways: I will do somebody a good turn, and not get found out. I will do at least two things I don't want to--just for exercise.

6. Just for today I will be agreeable. I will look as well as I can, dress as becomingly as possible, talk low, act courteously, be liberal with praise, criticize not at all, nor find fault with anything and not try to regulate nor improve anyone.

7. Just for today I will try to live through this day only, and not to tackle my whole life problem at once. I can do things for twelve hours that would appall me if I had to keep them up for a lifetime.

8. Just for today, I will have a program. I may not follow it exactly, but I will have it. I will save myself from two pests: hurry and indecision.

9. Just for today, I will have a quiet half hour all by myself, and relax. During this half hour, sometime, I will try to get a better perspective of my life.

10. I will be unafraid, especially I will not be afraid to be happy and to enjoy what is beautiful. I believe that as I give to the world, so the world will give to me and that those I love, love me.

Have a great day :)

Keep searching,
Laura~She

The Price of Being Ill

$50. At least, that's what it cost me today.

 Photo by Kelli Broshahan

This was supposed to be a post about another new experience. My boyfriend and I have been wanting to go rock climbing for a while and finally got around to booking it. As we left the evil stomach monster (pictured here)  returned and I was forced to go back home.

There was a bunch of confusion  with the rock climbing place- I was told I'd have to pay the full price anyway, but  after leaving a message for the manager  they only charged me 1/3 of the cost as it was supposed to be. I'm not a big fan of this system where you are forced to pay for canceling late. I get sick or hurt and have to pay for it? (Of course, I know why they do it.)

The price for having an unpredictable illness is high. Money, time, and stress are lost. It hurts more than just physically. Eventually the feeling of not having control sets in...you begin to asses things in a much more cautious manner, staying home and only going to familiar locations where you think you can handle your monsters. It can make you look lazy, cowardly, and like a bad friend; but nobody really wants to be stuck at home when they have awesome plans. My particular illness is not that bad, but some days, like today, don't go as planned because of it. Those with life-threatening, debilating sickness are brave souls! I can't imagine spending every day in a hospital and losing everything but still having hope and making it through. That is some kind of strength!

I haven't been diagnosed with anything yet and am still having tests done. Honestly, I do not have high hopes that anything will be found. Funny, that sounds like it should be a good thing. If nothing is found, nothing will be done and nothing will get better. I think this is probably a stress thing - a nervous stomach. If that's the case, how do you fix it? Relax, stop worrying? Worry is my middle name! I've taken 'How to stop worrying and start living' off the bookshelf again for starters. Dale Carnegie packs his books with lots of different common sense methods for dealing with life issues, humor, and interviews with fascinating people so it's a good read at least.

It's time to take a look around the internet for advice as well. I'll post my findings in the future.
For now the one thing I need to keep working on is staying positive!


Keep searching,
Laura~She

(Post written October 24)
(Oh, and just so we're clear, that is NOT a picture of me!)

I'm on a (House) Boat

Encounter Point on Shuswap Lake

Our adventure began at 3:30am and I was surprisingly full of energy! It looked like it was going to be a good trip. That is, until we started driving. My stomach decided it would be funny to act up just as we were leaving the last real city for a while. I couldn't stay in the car without feeling completely ill. After an hour or two of waiting for the feeling to pass, we were able to get back on the road! 5 hours is a long time to spend in a car, but we managed to get there! I still feel really bad for making everyone wait for me. :C

Because we had booked a boat for the last week of the season and it wasn't busy, we got an upgrade! Our boat was named 'Dock Dude' while other boats were called 'knot-a-yacht' and 'mutal funz'. Yep, some horrible puns there! As it was an upgrade we got private rooms - one at a normal level, one with the bed about 4 feet off the ground (ours), and another that was down a couple stairs and looked very comfy. There was a slide at the back of the boat but unfortunately it was too cold for swimming. After the drivers learned how to pilot we set sail in the Shuswap lake!

Throughout the waters and on the beaches we found dead fish everywhere. At first it was disturbing... until someone mentioned it was spawning season (Salmon die after spawning). Okay, it was still disturbing but natural at least! Surprisingly I only saw one fish that had been eaten, and one bear in the distance.

We brought a lot of meat and booze with us, but I wasn't able to partake in most of it because of my stomach. Curses!  But I mean a lot of meat. We have a couple day worth of left overs - giant steaks, sausage, ribs and more ribs!! I know at least one of us planned to go vegetarian for the rest of the week. I did manage to eat some of the best salmon ever(store bought, nobody caught anything we could keep), barbecued corn, smores, and those big double chocolate Costco muffins. Mmm-mm! Everything was delicious.

Originally there were plans to make this more of a pirate themed event, but it didn't really come together aside from Shann's outfits and not showering. 

We all had a good laugh wearing  fake  versions of our boyfriends moustache's. and breaking a Pinata. I manage to get one hit on it before the boys finished it off and Taja ran to the water to save some candy that had gone overboard. We listened to music, played cards, Family Guy Clue, Cranium, and Therapy as it was too cold and wet to be outside for a good bit of the trip. It was a lot of fun anyway.

Will I do it again?:

Yes! I wish I could have enjoyed more of it, if I hadn't been sick it would have been amazing. It's really neat being out on the water with nothing but trees around. A nice change from life. Three days isn't long enough so next time we will try to go for a week earlier in the season for better weather. I recommending giving house boating a shot!

For more photos go to my flickr photostream or Shann's blog

Keep Searching, 

Laura~she

Taking a Whirl at Belly Dancing

Last night was one of many new experiences happening this month. Belly dancing! A friend had a guest pass and it was a good chance to go out of the house and get some exercise.

Photo by Hkuchera

It was actually my arms that are most sore today. In order to focus on doing some of the shoulder movements correctly we had to hold our arms out to the side as if pushing on a wall. This was really difficult! I couldn't get it at all until she said to put your breasts into it. That I can do!

The teacher was very good and gave us a good overview of the basic moves. What looks like a simple swivel of hips is actually a series of specific movements of the abdomen and all the extra little arm movements on top of that seems like it would take a lot of concentration to a beginner like me. I had trouble remembering the steps, even though it's only 4 steps for most movements! I just couldn't get the flow - it should be 'Ooey Gooey' as she put it. It's harder than it looks.

Will I do it again? I'd like try more things with these friends, I had a good time with them. Belly dancing though, is not for me. I felt pretty uncoordinated and it simply isn't my style. Another type of dance might suit me better but I know any kind would require a lot of practice for me to not trip over my feet.

Keep Searching,
Laura~She

Attempting To Reduce

Photo by millgrammer

For some reason I thought it was time to try and get off my medication. I had been feeling pretty good and was on them for quite a while so I went to the doctor and we came up with a plan to slowly reduce my dosage until I was taking none. Maybe it was the enthusiasm of a new year that sparked this desire. Unfortunately I found myself disappointed.

Reducing the dose by just half a pill made me feel more depressed and brought back the odd dizzy, funny feeling in my head. I tried this for a couple weeks but didn't see much improvement. Back to the doctor. "Well, it's good to try anyway." He said.

"Now you know that it's something you need. You have a vitamin C deficiency - 'vitamin' Cipralex. It's like having to take insulin for diabetes; your body needs it." A lot of people say to get therapy for depression, or just get over it. I don't know for sure what the best solution is, but for now I have something that works for me.

The fact that I had to keep taking pills was disappointing at first. It's an inconvenience remembering to take them,and be cautious of taking any other medications (Cipralex, I'm told, doesn't usually cause problems when taken with other things aside from possible drowsiness). It's expensive. Unfortunately it's not covered by my benefits because it's a pre-existing condition, but let's not get started on that!

It's funny, when I started to feel worse I became interested in blogging and fashion again. So it turned out to be a good experience. =)

Keep searching,
Laura~She

Contributing Factors and Medication - My Story

Photo by Fade The Great

After a conversation I had last night turned to medication it seems like now is the time to talk about this. Towards the end high school physical issues emerged for me - it began with stomach aches, moved on to daily headaches, and became very strange dizziness/lightheaded-ness more recently. You can imagine how difficult it is to keep a job or even look for a job when you’re feeling like crud most days. Of course, being how we shy’s are it’s often incredibly difficult to get help for anything - I spent much too long dealing with these issues before getting a solution.

When the fear of passing out became too much I went to see the doctor. My regular doctor wasn’t in and the woman I did see seemed pretty concerned. When I told her that it felt a bit like my chest was bruised she sent me off to get tests right away and it shouldn’t wait until tomorrow. Naturally I freaked out and cried while I walked to the test centre. Blood tests, urine test, and an ECG were administered. They too were concerned about my elevated heart rate and the ‘chest pain’. “Just to be safe” they said, they called an ambulance. When it arrived I was placed on oxygen, had an IV inserted, and was put on a stretcher. I didn’t think it was necessary at all. Maybe it was a good thing they had called the ambulance for me because shortly after in the other room a man had been complaining about feeling ‘burnt out’ and they figured it was pretty serious so they used the ambulance to take him first. Another one came and took me to the hospital where I proceed to lay there for hours in the emergency ‘hallway’. My heart rate was still up around 130 BPM. It got pretty draining laying down for so long with nothing to do. More blood was taken, more vital checking, and another ECG. Finally after everything I saw the cardiologist who recommended I wear a Holter monitor for 24 hours.

The Holter monitor basically looks like a cassette player with wires coming out of it. The wires are attached by electrodes at specific places on your chest in order to monitor your heart’s activities, while the recorder hangs by your side like the most ghetto music player you’ve ever seen. All you have to do is write down your daily activities and any time you feel particularly bad. This test is completely harmless sans taking off the super sticky electrodes which leave nice little red patches for a few days.

After a rather strange and tiring couple of days I went back to the doctor for my results, and… everything was fine! A relief in a way but it also meant we’d have to keep looking for the problem.

Luckily judging by my personality and everything that I’d described as well as the excessively high heart rate there was a very likely possibility – anxiety. I was prescribed Cipralex, an antidepressant. I hadn’t thought I was really ‘depressed’ since I had little to be sad about but now it’s very obvious looking back.

The first few weeks had ups and downs. Sometimes I would feel better but my sleep was strange. Either I couldn’t fall asleep, I’d wake up in the night, or just feel plain weird. My dreams even seemed to change – strangely they were more realistic! Normally I have messed up dreams, so these were weird for me.

Eventually my body adjusted to the medication. For me not only were the physical symptoms alleviated with an antidepressant/anti-anxiety medication, but I found myself happier and more open – like I knew I should feel. I felt like myself again. I’m still shy and still have bad days but in general I've improved and I’m very happy to be where I am now.

Now, medication isn’t always the answer and certainly not always the best option but if my little story sounds anything like you it’s worth it to get yourself checked out. You aren't supposed to feel miserable. The first step is to find the problem and a doctor can not only help you find it but they can give you many of the options to solving it.

I hope to revisit this topic in the future and provide a more informational overview of medication, the relationship between shyness and anxiety and depression, as well as alternatives to medication. If you have any questions you'd like answered please let me know and I'll do my best to explain.

Long hair syndrome

Photo by leiaverner

When you have long hair it can be a shield – it’s the first thing people notice about you which is great if you don’t feel comfortable with yourself and want them to have a different focal point.

When I was in elementary school I began to grow my hair long. I didn’t think about it at the time, but maybe there was a reason. I was shy. Horribly so.

For me it felt like the only reason I was noticed was my long blonde hair. It was a thread I could cling desperately to, connecting me to the rest of the world. Without it maybe I’d just fade away… I’d be boring. Because that’s what I felt – I was a dull and boring person. I could never make conversation but at least this way people might have a reason to talk to me.

About grade 10 I began to realize that my hair was not a shield but a blockade. It’s ALL people noticed. Naturally I put that theory to the test by chopping it off. I never shed a tear as what must have been nearly 2 feet of hair fell. It was a cute cut – shoulder length and styled into a flip. Back at school I saw not many people commented on the hair. Whether it was because they didn’t care enough to compliment it or because they didn’t notice, I don’t know. There were two boys who used to call me ‘long hair’ (Original! Was it an insult or what?) and after the cut I heard nothing.

It was a learning experience for me. Long hair, short hair, it makes no difference. WHY your hair is that way is what matters. People are going to treat you virtually the same way no matter what. While it is nice to get some attention, if it’s based on your appearance it’s shallow and you can do so much better. So keep your hair however you want it; just remember to not rely on it too much. You are a deep, complex, amazing creature and you deserve more than superficial compliments based on the obvious. You are much more than your hair.