The World Would Be Worse Without You

I was thinking about suicide. No no, not about actually doing it! But contemplating what it means, what it would be like, etc. Sometimes I wish that I didn’t exist, but thankfully I don’t have the urge to physically make that happen. I am too scared to try to kill myself and always able to find things to keep me holding on. It doesn’t stop the questions popping up in my head though.

If there was a button and pushing it wiped you from existence, no pain, no one would remember you, nothing you did would have happened, would you push that button?

At first I tried to think about how things would be better without me. Some people would be less burdened. My parents wouldn’t have to spend money on me at least. Admittedly that’s a pretty big one as I feel a lot of guilt for  relying on them and not being able to take care of myself. I’m sure there are other people I have caused grief. Other than that though, I couldn’t think of much else than my personal belief that I have caused people pain that would rather not have experienced.

After think about how things would be better I flipped it to see how things would be worse without me. It was a struggle to figure out areas that I’ve actually had an impact. I haven’t cured anything, created anything amazing, or accomplished anything of significance. Beginning with my birth I searched for anything that would be different without me. Maybe my brother and sister would have fought more, and been more lonely. Some of my friends would have been alone. Other kids would have been picked last for teams instead. A cat may have stayed in the back of his cage and never had a chance at adoption ( I don’t know if he was adopted…but I was able to help him be more social at least). My last dog wouldn’t have someone by her side when she died. My current dog may not get the love and attention he does. The opposite could be true of course, but who knows. Would you risk those bad things happening?

Just by being me, I may have made the world better. Maybe in small ways. Maybe things would be better if I didn’t exist… but the realization that there are things that may actually be worse without me is powerful.  A shy middle child, that didn’t seek out friends but would accept those, often outcasts, who came searching. Someone with compassion and kindness. I think that, no matter how small the impact, it is worth keeping that person in the world.

Want to Want

I want to want to write this post.

I want to want to go out.

I want to want to work hard.

But I don’t want to.

It’s been difficult for me to find motivation. Maybe because I’ve never had any real goals, and never really needed to work at anything to hard. As a kid the main thing I liked was art, and drawing for fun was enough to make me the best in the class until I was a teenager. I never learned to practice, to work toward something. Mom was even there to do my work if I didn’t understand it or feel like doing it.

Of course it could be depression on it’s own that causes the lack of ambition.

It leads to more panic. What if I never try? What if I can’t hold a job, or take care of myself? Am I destined to live a life depending on other people because I cannot do?

You know what I did today? I looked at office furniture. I have no money for it, and I don’t even need anything. I can want -things- when I’m depressed, but after a day of window shopping I rarely buy anything. Too much guilt. I guess that’s good though. No debt is one thing I have going for me (Thanks to having a family that is understanding and doesn’t  make me pay rent).

I wish I could give advice on what to do if you’re feeling stuck and without drive, but I haven’t found the solution yet. Keeping a planner/ to do list helps if you have only a few things on it, maybe some really basic stuff. It’s good to have reminders that you have some things to do, and proof that you didn’t just sit in front of the tv all day when you have things crossed off.

Do you struggle to get going and keep motivated? Share your stories and advice in the comments!

On my depression

First off, I want to thank you all for your support! I was only expecting one or two likes on Facebook and to keep posting quietly, mostly for myself, but it seems like there may be some interest in this!
I know the recent death of Robin Williams(Rest in Peace) has a lot of us thinking about depression and suicide. I’ve been feeling depressed myself this week, so it seems like a good time to talk about it.

The thing I struggle with most when I get depressed is the lack of motivation. I already struggle with making decisions and getting out and doing things, and this makes it worse. I don’t do anything.  I don’t have the energy and I find everything to be pointless. Take a shower? Why bother. I’m not going to be around other people. Go out? I won’t have fun, I’ll get sick, I don’t have any money anyway. Do some art? I already know I’ll be disappointed in my abilities and get frustrated.
There is also a lot of guilt because of my situation( not working or in school). I certainly can’t do anything fun, because I don’t deserve to. I end up watching bad TV or endlessly scrolling through Pinterest to pass the time. Low energy, numbing things. It doesn’t make sense.

If you do things you enjoy, get some exercise, and talk to friends you feel a lot better. The problem is that you just can’t. Depression sucks you in and makes you think you need to stay in it. It’s sort of safe in a way. You don’t have to deal with things emotionally, you just feel numb or sad about everything. Chances are you’ll have some physical symptoms as well, like aches and pains or trouble sleeping. Add that to the list of reasons you just want to stay curled up in your bed.

At the moment I have this ‘headache’. It’s barely there, just a slight annoying nagging thing. I can’t focus. I stare. I don’t want to do anything except sleep. I don’t want to ‘cheer myself up’. I just want to sit with this until it goes away naturally. It usually gets better for me in a few day or a week, and I think it’s beginning to lift now. Even with medication I know I’ll probably always deal with this now and again.

~ Laura

PS: You should be able to post comments using your facebook or other social media account now!

Just for Today

Photo by ariane_hunter

Today I'd like to share a bit of advice from Sybil F. Partridge that I found in "How to Stop Worrying and Start Living" by Dale Carnegie. It's used in many programs, especially ones for coping with addiction, but in general these are good words to live by.

Just for Today

1. Just for today I will be happy. This assumes that what Abraham Lincoln said is true, that" most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be."

2. Just for today, I will adjust myself to what is, and not try to adjust everything to my own desires. I will take my "luck" as it comes, and fit myself to it.

3. Just for today I will take care of my body. I will exercise it, care for it, nourish it, not abuse it nor neglect it, so that it will be a perfect machine for my bidding.

4. Just for today, I will try to strengthen my mind. I will study. I will learn something useful. I will not be a mental loafer. I will read something that requires effort, thought and concentration.

5. Just for today, I will exercise my soul in three ways: I will do somebody a good turn, and not get found out. I will do at least two things I don't want to--just for exercise.

6. Just for today I will be agreeable. I will look as well as I can, dress as becomingly as possible, talk low, act courteously, be liberal with praise, criticize not at all, nor find fault with anything and not try to regulate nor improve anyone.

7. Just for today I will try to live through this day only, and not to tackle my whole life problem at once. I can do things for twelve hours that would appall me if I had to keep them up for a lifetime.

8. Just for today, I will have a program. I may not follow it exactly, but I will have it. I will save myself from two pests: hurry and indecision.

9. Just for today, I will have a quiet half hour all by myself, and relax. During this half hour, sometime, I will try to get a better perspective of my life.

10. I will be unafraid, especially I will not be afraid to be happy and to enjoy what is beautiful. I believe that as I give to the world, so the world will give to me and that those I love, love me.

Have a great day :)

Keep searching,
Laura~She

The Price of Being Ill

$50. At least, that's what it cost me today.

 Photo by Kelli Broshahan

This was supposed to be a post about another new experience. My boyfriend and I have been wanting to go rock climbing for a while and finally got around to booking it. As we left the evil stomach monster (pictured here)  returned and I was forced to go back home.

There was a bunch of confusion  with the rock climbing place- I was told I'd have to pay the full price anyway, but  after leaving a message for the manager  they only charged me 1/3 of the cost as it was supposed to be. I'm not a big fan of this system where you are forced to pay for canceling late. I get sick or hurt and have to pay for it? (Of course, I know why they do it.)

The price for having an unpredictable illness is high. Money, time, and stress are lost. It hurts more than just physically. Eventually the feeling of not having control sets in...you begin to asses things in a much more cautious manner, staying home and only going to familiar locations where you think you can handle your monsters. It can make you look lazy, cowardly, and like a bad friend; but nobody really wants to be stuck at home when they have awesome plans. My particular illness is not that bad, but some days, like today, don't go as planned because of it. Those with life-threatening, debilating sickness are brave souls! I can't imagine spending every day in a hospital and losing everything but still having hope and making it through. That is some kind of strength!

I haven't been diagnosed with anything yet and am still having tests done. Honestly, I do not have high hopes that anything will be found. Funny, that sounds like it should be a good thing. If nothing is found, nothing will be done and nothing will get better. I think this is probably a stress thing - a nervous stomach. If that's the case, how do you fix it? Relax, stop worrying? Worry is my middle name! I've taken 'How to stop worrying and start living' off the bookshelf again for starters. Dale Carnegie packs his books with lots of different common sense methods for dealing with life issues, humor, and interviews with fascinating people so it's a good read at least.

It's time to take a look around the internet for advice as well. I'll post my findings in the future.
For now the one thing I need to keep working on is staying positive!


Keep searching,
Laura~She

(Post written October 24)
(Oh, and just so we're clear, that is NOT a picture of me!)

Attempting To Reduce

Photo by millgrammer

For some reason I thought it was time to try and get off my medication. I had been feeling pretty good and was on them for quite a while so I went to the doctor and we came up with a plan to slowly reduce my dosage until I was taking none. Maybe it was the enthusiasm of a new year that sparked this desire. Unfortunately I found myself disappointed.

Reducing the dose by just half a pill made me feel more depressed and brought back the odd dizzy, funny feeling in my head. I tried this for a couple weeks but didn't see much improvement. Back to the doctor. "Well, it's good to try anyway." He said.

"Now you know that it's something you need. You have a vitamin C deficiency - 'vitamin' Cipralex. It's like having to take insulin for diabetes; your body needs it." A lot of people say to get therapy for depression, or just get over it. I don't know for sure what the best solution is, but for now I have something that works for me.

The fact that I had to keep taking pills was disappointing at first. It's an inconvenience remembering to take them,and be cautious of taking any other medications (Cipralex, I'm told, doesn't usually cause problems when taken with other things aside from possible drowsiness). It's expensive. Unfortunately it's not covered by my benefits because it's a pre-existing condition, but let's not get started on that!

It's funny, when I started to feel worse I became interested in blogging and fashion again. So it turned out to be a good experience. =)

Keep searching,
Laura~She

Contributing Factors and Medication - My Story

Photo by Fade The Great

After a conversation I had last night turned to medication it seems like now is the time to talk about this. Towards the end high school physical issues emerged for me - it began with stomach aches, moved on to daily headaches, and became very strange dizziness/lightheaded-ness more recently. You can imagine how difficult it is to keep a job or even look for a job when you’re feeling like crud most days. Of course, being how we shy’s are it’s often incredibly difficult to get help for anything - I spent much too long dealing with these issues before getting a solution.

When the fear of passing out became too much I went to see the doctor. My regular doctor wasn’t in and the woman I did see seemed pretty concerned. When I told her that it felt a bit like my chest was bruised she sent me off to get tests right away and it shouldn’t wait until tomorrow. Naturally I freaked out and cried while I walked to the test centre. Blood tests, urine test, and an ECG were administered. They too were concerned about my elevated heart rate and the ‘chest pain’. “Just to be safe” they said, they called an ambulance. When it arrived I was placed on oxygen, had an IV inserted, and was put on a stretcher. I didn’t think it was necessary at all. Maybe it was a good thing they had called the ambulance for me because shortly after in the other room a man had been complaining about feeling ‘burnt out’ and they figured it was pretty serious so they used the ambulance to take him first. Another one came and took me to the hospital where I proceed to lay there for hours in the emergency ‘hallway’. My heart rate was still up around 130 BPM. It got pretty draining laying down for so long with nothing to do. More blood was taken, more vital checking, and another ECG. Finally after everything I saw the cardiologist who recommended I wear a Holter monitor for 24 hours.

The Holter monitor basically looks like a cassette player with wires coming out of it. The wires are attached by electrodes at specific places on your chest in order to monitor your heart’s activities, while the recorder hangs by your side like the most ghetto music player you’ve ever seen. All you have to do is write down your daily activities and any time you feel particularly bad. This test is completely harmless sans taking off the super sticky electrodes which leave nice little red patches for a few days.

After a rather strange and tiring couple of days I went back to the doctor for my results, and… everything was fine! A relief in a way but it also meant we’d have to keep looking for the problem.

Luckily judging by my personality and everything that I’d described as well as the excessively high heart rate there was a very likely possibility – anxiety. I was prescribed Cipralex, an antidepressant. I hadn’t thought I was really ‘depressed’ since I had little to be sad about but now it’s very obvious looking back.

The first few weeks had ups and downs. Sometimes I would feel better but my sleep was strange. Either I couldn’t fall asleep, I’d wake up in the night, or just feel plain weird. My dreams even seemed to change – strangely they were more realistic! Normally I have messed up dreams, so these were weird for me.

Eventually my body adjusted to the medication. For me not only were the physical symptoms alleviated with an antidepressant/anti-anxiety medication, but I found myself happier and more open – like I knew I should feel. I felt like myself again. I’m still shy and still have bad days but in general I've improved and I’m very happy to be where I am now.

Now, medication isn’t always the answer and certainly not always the best option but if my little story sounds anything like you it’s worth it to get yourself checked out. You aren't supposed to feel miserable. The first step is to find the problem and a doctor can not only help you find it but they can give you many of the options to solving it.

I hope to revisit this topic in the future and provide a more informational overview of medication, the relationship between shyness and anxiety and depression, as well as alternatives to medication. If you have any questions you'd like answered please let me know and I'll do my best to explain.