The World Would Be Worse Without You

I was thinking about suicide. No no, not about actually doing it! But contemplating what it means, what it would be like, etc. Sometimes I wish that I didn’t exist, but thankfully I don’t have the urge to physically make that happen. I am too scared to try to kill myself and always able to find things to keep me holding on. It doesn’t stop the questions popping up in my head though.

If there was a button and pushing it wiped you from existence, no pain, no one would remember you, nothing you did would have happened, would you push that button?

At first I tried to think about how things would be better without me. Some people would be less burdened. My parents wouldn’t have to spend money on me at least. Admittedly that’s a pretty big one as I feel a lot of guilt for  relying on them and not being able to take care of myself. I’m sure there are other people I have caused grief. Other than that though, I couldn’t think of much else than my personal belief that I have caused people pain that would rather not have experienced.

After think about how things would be better I flipped it to see how things would be worse without me. It was a struggle to figure out areas that I’ve actually had an impact. I haven’t cured anything, created anything amazing, or accomplished anything of significance. Beginning with my birth I searched for anything that would be different without me. Maybe my brother and sister would have fought more, and been more lonely. Some of my friends would have been alone. Other kids would have been picked last for teams instead. A cat may have stayed in the back of his cage and never had a chance at adoption ( I don’t know if he was adopted…but I was able to help him be more social at least). My last dog wouldn’t have someone by her side when she died. My current dog may not get the love and attention he does. The opposite could be true of course, but who knows. Would you risk those bad things happening?

Just by being me, I may have made the world better. Maybe in small ways. Maybe things would be better if I didn’t exist… but the realization that there are things that may actually be worse without me is powerful.  A shy middle child, that didn’t seek out friends but would accept those, often outcasts, who came searching. Someone with compassion and kindness. I think that, no matter how small the impact, it is worth keeping that person in the world.