Want to Want

I want to want to write this post.

I want to want to go out.

I want to want to work hard.

But I don’t want to.

It’s been difficult for me to find motivation. Maybe because I’ve never had any real goals, and never really needed to work at anything to hard. As a kid the main thing I liked was art, and drawing for fun was enough to make me the best in the class until I was a teenager. I never learned to practice, to work toward something. Mom was even there to do my work if I didn’t understand it or feel like doing it.

Of course it could be depression on it’s own that causes the lack of ambition.

It leads to more panic. What if I never try? What if I can’t hold a job, or take care of myself? Am I destined to live a life depending on other people because I cannot do?

You know what I did today? I looked at office furniture. I have no money for it, and I don’t even need anything. I can want -things- when I’m depressed, but after a day of window shopping I rarely buy anything. Too much guilt. I guess that’s good though. No debt is one thing I have going for me (Thanks to having a family that is understanding and doesn’t  make me pay rent).

I wish I could give advice on what to do if you’re feeling stuck and without drive, but I haven’t found the solution yet. Keeping a planner/ to do list helps if you have only a few things on it, maybe some really basic stuff. It’s good to have reminders that you have some things to do, and proof that you didn’t just sit in front of the tv all day when you have things crossed off.

Do you struggle to get going and keep motivated? Share your stories and advice in the comments!